On my way to freedom

     Memories, actions, people, feelings...all this make us who we are today. The past, the present and the future are the three things that we think about basically all day long, every day. Or so it should be.

     Some of us are still trapped in the past, not being able to enjoy the present and think about the future. The same question that they ask themselves: "What if..."haunts them. They wonder if they had done something different, said something, would they be living another present now? But beside the "What if..." question, there is also "I shouldn't have...". 

     We regret what we didn't do or say but also what we did say. Either way,act or don't act, it's still gonna screw your life in one way or another. But acting makes things a tiny, little bit easier to deal with in the present. Living in the past is pure torture that we make ourselves go through. We all have bad memories, moments in our life that we want to forget but we can't, and we live tied up to the past, forgetting to live in the present and think about the future. What we did in a moment of anger, stupidity, selfishness will haunt us until we're done with. 

     So what's to be done? First, go in the past, go to that moment and figure out what you did wrong. Then find your present, find your words, and go make things right. Stop pitying yourself and go straighten things up. It's the only way that freedom will be attained. Even though things may not turn out okay, your heart and soul can calm down and search for the future. 

     I always hear "Time will heal everything". I think that is one big lie. Time does not heal...the only one that can make a difference and heal, is you. You are your own doctor. Why live in the past when we only have one life? Give yourself an upgrade, look forward and make things right. It may be too late but it may be not. So step up, and live in your present. 

Bad

They say something has changed.
They say I’ve changed.
They tell me somewhere I turned cold, that I used to be so affectionate
They claim they don’t understand.
They tell me I used to be cheerful but now my eyes and tone of my voice lost its light and admits fear.

Unsure whether it’s because of the painful memory but I go on by emptying my heart.
Lucid hearts are defective products of this world. That’s why I badly want to taint mine.
They tell me that if you love, you start to take after each other; maybe I want to take after you a bit.

Atrocious. Love is atrocious.
You were the very reason I breathe for, but now you’re suffocating me.
Love is so bad
Love only gets worse as you dig deeper.
Love is so bad
Love only pains as you learn about it.
More you know, worse you become.

The words I wouldn’t normally get riled up about: “You don’t seem yourself”.
I question, “What is me?” but of course I know only too well.
I can’t bear to look at myself.
Whether I’ve been embraced or have closed my eyes, I just can’t sleep at ease.
I yearn for alcohol, sometimes I usually drink hard
Drunk on anxiety, as the dawn drizzle pours down I stagger through the street
I start to quarrel and my mouth that once used to whisper so many kind words has been tainted by a profanity.
Can’t rest till this small thing becomes a catastrophe.
I lie customarily and harass in the name of ‘Love’

Atrocious. Humans are atrocious.
You were the very reason I breathe for, but now you’re suffocating me.
Love is so bad
Love only gets worse as you dig deeper.
Love is so bad
Love only pains as you learn about it.
More you know, worse you become.

Only thing that’s worse than you is,
I, who couldn’t forget you and ended up being tainted.
I, who continues to act cold towards the other people.
Only thing that’s worse than you is,
I, who couldn’t forget you.

Bad, it’s so bad.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
What we call love.
Love is a sickness.
Bad, it’s so bad.
It hurts.
It hurts so much
Love is a sickness.
Love.

Voice of the soul

A person can be called a true artist when the people that are watching him feel all he says and don't hear or see. When you can close your eyes and just listen with your heart to that voice and feel all the words in your soul, letter by letter, sound by sound, then you know that the one standing in front of you is an artist. Goosebumps, racing heartbeat, sweat, tears, these are the signs that you can fell the soul that's trapped inside some words put on musical notes.
One can live through music, can recall some past happenings, can feel at ease when hearing his favorite song.  From my point of view, well I only have some artists that I listen to, some songs that calm me down, that make me cry, that make me laugh, that give me all kinds of emotions. For the past 10 years I have lived through music, I felt through music. Music was and still is my refuge, a world where only my soul and the soul of the song are. A place where I feel safe. That moment when you put your headphones on and press play it's my favorite moment of the day. You separate from the real world and enter one that you can control, that doesn't make you suffer; a world with no lies and no deceptions; your world.
Sometimes a song does not need words. Just some musical notes and the true feelings of the artist and you got yourself a song that you can listen to and feel it.
So headphones on, press play, close your eyes and feel.

Hope is a dream that never sleeps

It doesn’t matter if I’m lonely. Whenever I think of you a smile spreads across my face.
It doesn’t matter if I’m tired. Whenever you are happy my heart is filled with love.
Today I might live in a harsh world again.
Even if I’m tired, when I close my eyes, I only see your image.
The dreams that are still ringing in my ears are leaving my side towards you.
Everyday my life is like a dream.
If we can look at each other and love each other i’ll stand up again.
To me, the happiness of those precious memories will be warmer during hard times.
For me, hope is a dream that never sleeps.
Like a shadow by my side you always quietly come to me.
To see if I’m hurt, to see if I’m lonely everyday
With feelings of yearning, you come to me.
Even if the world makes me cry, I’m okay because you are always by my side.
Like dust, will those memories change and leave?
I’ll keep smiling to ease my heart.
Everyday my life is like a dream.
No matter how many times I stumble and fall i’m still standing like this.
I only have one heart.
When I’m tired you become my strength.
My heart is towards you forever.
So I swallowed the hurt and grief.
I’ll only show you my smiling form.
It doesn’t even hurt now.
I’ll always hold on to the dreams I want to fulfill with you
I’ll try to call for you at the place I cannot reach
I love you with all my heart.

Is love extinct? Are feelings overrated?

   How to start this?...Oh, well...conclusion: college changes who you are, gives you an idea of what life is about, of how things really work and how superficial it all starts to become. Almost two months of college and it's already clear to me how it all works.
   You would think that starting college, learning how to get through life by your own, would force you to grow up, to think your age. But for some people, it doesn't apply. And they don't stay immature when it's about business or something related, but when it comes to feelings. Feelings these days are overrated. No one cares if you love, if you hate, if you care, if you adore, if you despite...It's just like they want to say : "you just feel what the hell you want, and let me have my fun, 'cause I don't give a damn about you and your stupid feelings". Or  worse: "Yeei, she cares about me, time to take advantage of that".
   I have seen true love, I know it's still possible, but too many people don't care anymore. It's all about being with someone so that people and friends could see that you can have whoever you want, having someone to do your business because you're to lazy to do it.."hey, she loves me, she'll do anything for me". Just how stupid can a human being be to take advantage of a person that loves him? I don't get it, it's beyond my brain's capacity.
   How come pure love does not attract love, but it's like a magnet to morons with one tiny, almost extinct nerve cell? And what's even more sad is that this "moron effect" does not have nothing to do with age. Don't dare to say that if he's older, he's more mature, he knows something about how life goes, about how a woman loves, because he doesn't.
   So, in conclusion ( the 2nd one ),love still exists somewhere deep in one's heart, so it's better to stay chill and wait, analyze and then choose wisely. Cupid has his own plans.

New beginning, new life

     A new start..it's always a good thing in this messed up life of mine, and not only mine. We're young, It's normal for us to be messed up(I think...). Going to college has been for me a new start, and has given to me the opportunity of looking at life from a different point of view, a more mature one. Unfortunately I'm living alone, which is kind of hard for me because I'm not used to being on my own. Some may say that it's good that I'm   living alone, I have all the peace and quiet that I want, but I like to talk, and when I get home to my room, and I find nobody, It's kind of sad. Moving on:))
     Being away from home has not affected me as much as I thought. I got used to it pretty fast. Being all by myself, cooking for myself, cleaning my room, and all the things that I'm doing for me, alone, with no help, made me a tiny bit more mature. I say a tiny bit because I'm still at the beginning of it.
     The best parts of being in college are definitely the new friends. You may be the most socially awkward person, but in college you get over it and make friends very fast. All in all I like my college life so far. It has been tiring but damn fun.
     You get to meet all kinds of people, mostly the same as you, scared of this new beginning, but happy to be able to upgrade their level of maturity.
     Moving to a new town, living a whole new kind of life, meeting new people, making new friends, being on our own ( without our mommy cleaning after us;)) ), Worshiping the little amount of money that we have, and that it's supposed to last a whole month...haaa :( This sounds to be like the word that I fear most : adulthood. Brace yourself, adulthood it's coming, and fast.

P.S: packing and unpacking is the worst part of moving. I HATE it.

Feelings in or out?

     I'm going in circles again...some tell me that I attach to a person too much and some that I should not hide my feelings and stick to that person like a leech. My past self was a very cold person, hiding all her feeling, refusing to express any type of affection. Like my father told me : "your heart is made of ice". Well I guess that ice melted away because I'm to damn affectionate. I guess finding the right friend to oped up my eyes was all I needed.
     Now, coming back to the subject; Hiding you feeling is not good, putting them on the table is not good as well. I kind of tend to stay in the middle; show your true feelings, but not all of them, it's good to keep some just for yourself. If you're too cold and indifferent you're going to have bad time; prepare yourself to hear that in every single day :" You're too cold, why can't you be more kind with me? Why don't you love me?" And it's not nice to hear all those things from the one that you love. The overly attached girlfriend or boyfriend also annoy me. Don't stick to that person too much, like a leech because sooner or later they'll get tired of you and your behavior. Now speaking from a girls point of view, girls stop being so annoying. When he goes out with his friends try to hide your phone away to stop yourself from calling him. He still has friends after all; he needs to keep socializing, he can't go out ALWAYS with you. Give him a break from time to time ( not to often though, he may get the wrong idea that you don't care about him).
     Hearing after a week or two of relationship that : "God, I so love this boy; he's my life", makes me want to say : Are you kidding me? You can't be talking about love after a week of being with one person...You barely get to know his CV( his name, where he lives, favorite things and so on).
     Some people chose to hide their feelings because they are afraid to be rejected. I totally understand that, but doing so you only harm yourself and you may be harming the other person as well because he may be in the same situation, he may be loving you as well but he's afraid to tell. So one day, when you feel more comfortable with him, just tell him, don't be afraid of being rejected. It happens, we move on.
     So, to wrap things up... One needs to express some feelings because we are human beings and we feel, but be careful of the amount of feelings that to let to show. Some may take advantage of that and only suffering will come for you.